I was out in the kitchen popping popcorn in the microwave and I was like, “I wish I had friends to hang out with,” and Mom said, “Where?” and I’m like, “Anywhere. I’m not picky.” Then I started quoting that part in Star Wars: A New Hope where they’re in the garbage compartment and Luke was grabbed by that slimy monster and he’s like, “Shoot it!” and Han’s like, “Where?” and Luke says, “Anywhere!” so maybe that’s why I don’t have friends. And then I came back to my room with my bag of popcorn and when I opened it I pulled too hard and the popcorn exploded all over my bed.

Mine is a dreary existence.