I’m so mixed up about this. I know God should be my everything. I should seek Him first. But God doesn’t have skin on. I can’t see God’s eyes. I can’t see Him laugh ~ if He does laugh. I can’t hear His voice. I can’t feel His touch, and oh how I want to be touched! Do people really understand what it’s like to go day after day after day without being touched? I don’t think they realize how huge that hole can get.”

Feelings. Emotions. They’re huge in human life. We’re so concentrated on how things make us feel. We’re focused on comfort and pleasure. And some of us in America still love gratification, the rush of adrenaline and excitement. I’m no different. I like to feel challenged, may it be physically or mentally.

Or spiritually.

I have three days of the week that I have chosen as my favorites: Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday. Sunday is a close fourth. The reason I love Wednesdays is because that is the day I go to youth group. I get to spend time with my people and I get to learn about God.

Some of the conversations my small group gets into are very mind-boggling, indeed. They’re deep and intelligent conversations, but they’re also kept light enough so that we smile and laugh together every so often and our brains don’t explode. We dig into God’s Word and the things we bring to the surface are astounding and mind-blowing. There is so much in the Bible that will just sweep you off your feet if you look. Some of these conversations are very intense, and I feel my heart thumping with excitement when I leave the room. I feel like I just HAVE to tell somebody what we learned. I just Can’t Shut Up (except for my social awkwardness, which we will get to in a different post).

And then I can come home and do my own personal research. I can go into God’s Word by myself, write blogs about what I’ve learned. I get excited about this as well. Any time I start learning something, I get excited. I love listening to people talk about God. I love seeing how much they’re in love with Him. I love hearing about what He’s done in their life.

But something’s missing in my life. That special quality. And I think I know what it is.

I can’t feel God.

I don’t understand why. I talk to God all the time, especially at night. I pray to Him. I say “Dear God,” and I pray, but I get distracted and I fall into my mind palace, and I forget to say “amen.” I don’t think that would have anything to do with it, though. God is there, in my thoughts. I want Him there. I have asked Him so many times to show Himself in and through my life. I want to be His light. I want to be as in love with Him as the people I see around me. I Wanna Know Him Like That. But I just can’t seem to make a connection.

Once I have felt God, or at least I think I did. It was at my youth group’s 2013 Winter Retreat. My life was radically changed after that retreat. The last night we were there, we had maybe an hour of worship. I don’t know how long it was, really. Time just kind of gets away from you. That hour got really emotional. People were on their knees worshiping. There were tears, teens huddled together. God’s presence in that room was intense. And I was in the middle of it.

I can feel people’s emotion. I automatically put myself in their shoes, and I can vybe with them. So maybe I wasn’t feeling God at all. Maybe the emotion in the room was just too much for me to handle. I don’t know. All I know is that ever since then, I’ve been wanting to feel God’s presence. I want a connection with Him so badly. I’ve talked to Him about it. I’ve begged Him for it. It hasn’t come. I don’t even have a testimony to tell. I accepted Christ at a young age; I don’t remember when. I don’t recall ever a time when knowing Him changed my life.

I know I have distractions in my life that are probably affecting me very much in my spiritual life. I love my friends more than anything and for a small selection of them I would do anything asked of me. They mean more to me than anything in my life, and that bothers me. I know that God should be that to me. He should mean more to me than anything. He saved me. He loves me unconditionally. And I know He’s there. But I just can’t feel Him. And I think that maybe that’s the reason He’s not everything to me, like I know He should be. I can see and feel my friends. I can hear their voices. I can’t hear God’s voice. I can’t see or feel Him.

I know that a day will come when I WILL be able to feel Him. I can’t wait for that day to come. I want to push myself to depend fully on God, and I know I can’t get that as long as my life is how it is now. I want a time when I depend on Him to survive in this world. Where every moment of every day I have to lean on Him with all that I am.

Then I will have a testimony worth telling.