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Being as it’s December 10, I have an urge to rant about the infamous Santa Claus (actually, I don’t know what “infamous” really means, and Santa is in truth quite famous).

Santa Claus, as everybody knows, lives in the North Pole. First of all, considering it’s the very tip-top of the earth, the North Pole must be very, VERY cold. I mean, it’s in the middle of nowhere. Now that I think on it, I believe the actual North Pole is in the middle of the ocean, but I can’t say for sure, as my geography skills are not the best. Any way you look at it, this North Pole place has to be pretty darn cold.

Which brings into consideration Santa’s…condition. Okay, I’ll put it bluntly: the man is fat. Which doesn’t make much sense depending on how you look at it. Sure, the guy scarfs cookies all around the world for a night. But does he really eat them for the rest of the year? Shouldn’t Mrs. Claus put him on some sort of exercise system? The guy DOES have to go out in public for that one night. Of course, nobody sees him because he’s coming at night.

Which brings up another subject. I don’t think I’m done ranting on Santa’s food problems yet, but I guess I can come back to it. Or I could forget the whole night subject for now and continue with the food idea. That sounds good.

So he eats cookies and drinks milk on Christmas Eve, when he’s around visiting. And according to stories, Mrs. Claus does a lot of baking, and apparently cookies and cakes and gingerbread houses and the like. Which makes no sense. I mean, do they LIVE on this stuff? Shouldn’t they be eating healthier food, or at least food that normal people eat, like spaghetti? Poor Mrs. Claus spends all her time in the kitchen. Maybe she should just go out and buy Santa and his elves a bunch of TV dinners and let them make their own dinner.

Okay, I think that might be all I have to say about the food issue. Now on to Santa’s sneaking around people’s houses at night. I mean, what’s up with that? He totally flies his magical little reindeer onto your roof, somehow manages to squeeze his bulk down the chimney WITH his bag full of presents, sets them out all nice and pretty under your Christmas tree, relaxes with a few cookies and a glass of milk, and somehow ~ and I doubt there’s a person on this earth who can explain this one ~ manages to haul himself back up the chimney, where he hops on his sleigh and takes off for the next house, all without making a single sound. I mean, it’s just ridiculous. What is this guy, a retired ninja?

The reindeer thing is hard to believe. Those reindeer would have to be strong as oxen to pull a sleigh full of Santa and presents for the whole world all over the place. And can you believe how much hay they must eat? How do they get that much way up in the North Pole? Isn’t the place supposed to be covered with snow all the time? The bag itself must weigh a couple tons. I mean, presents for all the children in the world? Who comes up with this stuff?

It also doesn’t make sense why one would leave their Christmas list out by the milk and cookies every year. I mean, is Santa supposed to lug around millions of toys just in case somebody wants it? Or is the list left by the milk and cookies supposed to be for the following year? I mean, it’s just crazy for one to assume that Santa’s going to have everything everybody wants that year in his big magical bag of toys.

AND ANOTHER THING! Why don’t thieves go in through the chimney? People haven’t learned a thing about the system, have they? NOBODY goes in through the chimney to steal things! Probably because it’s extremely difficult to climb back out! It’s crazy! Do people think that only Santa is allowed in through the chimney? It seems like a prime break-in route to me! Is it, like, part of some sort of thief code or something?

What exactly does Santa do all year? He doesn’t help his elves make toys, he doesn’t care for his reindeer, and he certainly doesn’t help Mrs. Claus with the dishes. Does he just sit around eating all year long? Because from the looks of him, it sure seems like it! Does he actually go out and do things? Does he take a ferry to the mainland and live like a normal person or is he an Eskimo all the time? What does this guy do? Shouldn’t he be out making money so they can actually buy all the supplies they need to make those googlions of toys?

The person who made up the Santa story should certainly have thought more about what he was doing before introducing it to the public. He had a lot of cracks he needed to patch before setting sail. He’s just lucky that children are so impressionable.

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